Gender and Other Mine Fields

It's that time of year, when I try to wade into the muddy waters of a controversial topic thinking I'm being fair and balanced, only to get really angry comments and messages from people who I don't know, but have evidently offended. If you're wondering why I do this, the answer is: I've got nothing else to do until Neil Simon starts except read news sites talking about the Isla Vista shooting and the aftermath, and despite my best efforts: I've started to come to several convoluted opinions.

Let me start by saying that I like the #yesallwomen hash tag. "Like" is probably the wrong word, as its literally a list of awful things that have happened to women at the hands of pigs who objectify them. So, I suppose I don't "like" it, so much as I support it and think it's actually a hash tag trend that can yield results as opposed to hash tags that just let everyone know that you condemn things like child kidnapping and satire. It was particularly eye opening to see a college friend from before my mission, who I would not describe as a feminist or social media warrior, talking about wearing shorts under dresses when she goes out because it makes her feel a little bit safer after being groped in a bar. The whole thing made me feel kind of sick, and much more sympathetic to this situation. That was, I believe, the point. It's led to me reading a lot more about the issue, and even, against my better judgement, watching the much talked about video from the shooter. I've come away thinking a few things.

1. A few months ago, one of my friends posed as a question if men felt the same pressure from the media to be thin, or to otherwise fret about their own bodies. The simple answer to that is: yes, to a degree, although laws of masculinity require a certain amount of guys to pretend that they don't. However, even then, body image is not really the scourge on males, that it is on women. The real scourge is the glorification of sexual conquest. In the same way that women feel a societal pressure to look the right way, men feel a societal pressure to have a certain number of notches on their bedpost. And in the same way, TV and Film have exacerbated these ideals. I might point out the obvious glorification of Barney Stinson on How I Met Your Mother, however, Barney's a stereotype. But how about the good guy protagonist, Ted Mosby? Even though the show hinges on Ted looking for love and a monogamous relationship, the show is an almost non-stop revolving door of sexual partners. The Wiki counts 20 in the nine year run of the show. Entertainment seems to indicate, while a man's worth may not be predicated on ONE woman (the way it has been in the past for females), his worth is predicated on the presence of ANY woman. The exploration of this could be a study in and of itself.
2. Men feel unreasonably defensive of these kind of accusations. This is a strange "defender of the faith" mindset I find myself fighting on a daily basis, whether I'm defending other Mormons, Men, the State of Utah, the Republican Party; even when said entity is doing something I disagree with totally. I don't believe in sex outside of marriage, why should I feel any desire to stick up for guys who grope girls in bars and whistle at them on the sidewalk. I should be just as quick to condemn that kind of behavior.
3. That said, I take great umbrage with writers like Jessica Valenti of the Guardian saying things like, "Rodger, like most American men, was taught that he was entitled to sex and female attention." I must have missed that day of pre-school. This is where the reality of the shooting and the perception of reality start diverging. Watch the tape. Listen to Elliot Rodger. He was clearly a textbook narcissist. A narcissist in the way of Ted Bundy and Charles Manson. The reason he ends up on a rampage and most men don't isn't because he's the only one who never had a girlfriend. It's because he's the type of person who feels entitled to EVERYTHING HE WANTS, and if he doesn't get it, it's because something's wrong with the game. While I may venture from time to time into what another demographic might be thinking, I feel uniquely qualified to speak on behalf of guys who don't get dates. Most of my friends have spent some time in that demographic. As have I. I even discussed above the way the Entertainment Industry affects the expectations of young males. But here's the thing, usually this psyche is turned inward "What's wrong with ME that girls don't want to date me? What am I doing wrong?" In that way, the effect is internalized into depression, and lack of confidence. This is similar, to my eyes, to what happens to girls who don't fit the perception of a "perfect woman". Elliot Rodger goes on a shooting rampage because he belongs to psyche that believe that he is perfect, or as he said in the video "a perfect gentleman". This makes him an asshole. It also is what leads him to think that something is wrong with society.

Now let me end with a thought that's cropped up in the past few days. I don't know the answer. I'm not trying to score any points in the race or gender debate. Let's say a prominent woman says something like this: 

"If I'm all alone on a street and I see a man in front of me, I cross to the other side of the street." 

Is that an unfair thing to say, or is she just being cautious and practical?  Mark Cuban has been criticized for a similar comment,

"If I see a black kid in a hoodie on my side of the street, I'll move to the other side of the street."

Are these two statements comparable? If you feel that the fictional woman is being unfair, how does this make you feel about Cuban? If you feel that Cuban is being racist how does this make you feel about the fictional woman? Are both right? Are both wrong? Like I said earlier, its all muddy waters.